10 Surefire Signs that You Can’t Cook


So, I figure it’s time to compile a list for those who need some help in deciding what they are going to do for a job/hobby.

Today we are discussing cooking. Should you be cooking? Should you pursue a career in cooking? Answer yes or no, and then add up how many yes’s you have and then see the end of this post to determine if you are a cook or not.

  1. You manage to burn oil.
  2. You boil eggs so long that there’s no more water – and the eggs explode . . . . . . literally . . . . . all over the floor and wall.
  3. You burn toast straight through – three times in a row.
  4. You cook a meal for starving kids and they manage to eat only half of the tiny little dish that you gave them.
  5. You decide to boil peas – without water.
  6. You decide to cool your hot frying pan with some icy cold water for the upteenth time.
  7. When asked what you can cook, you reply, “Ummmm, overcooked 2 minute noodles?”
  8. You can’t eat 50% of your cooking because it’s that bad.
  9. And 80% of your cooking ends up in the dog’s bowl.
  10. Unfortunately, the dog will only eat 50% of the food you cook.


So, let’s get down to scoring shall we? If you tick 1 out of 10, go ahead, by all means. Cooking is probably your thing. If you tick 4 out of 10, well, you need a little bit of work. If you tick 6 out of 10, you’re in pretty big trouble, but you may be able to save yourself a bit. 10 out of 10? You’re a lost cause! My suggestion? Find someone who ticks 1-4 out of 10 and be best buddies. They can compensate for your lack of cookery.

If not, you can always follow my four point guide to survival for suicidal cooks.

  1. Buy fast food.
  2. If not, buy frozen pre-made food.
  3. Make sure whatever you are cooking in has a timer and most preferable an automatic power button to prevent possible food wastage. If there’s no automatic shut-down, get an EXTREMELY loud timer. . . . but then again, that’s probably too risky already.
  4. Intentionally accidentally drop-in to your friend’s place right just as they’re about to eat.

Was that helpful? No worries, any time!



This disclaimer hereby states that the author is by no means responsible for any physical, emotional, or mental injury that may be sustained whilst following his fantastic advice. You have been warned. 😉


photo by Rob Howard. Edited by GZ.


One thought on “10 Surefire Signs that You Can’t Cook

  1. Pingback: Tips for Bachelors | GROUND000

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